Life and death...

Such is the irony of life and death. I am grieving the death of my mother and celebrating the birth of my son. In the labor room, I remember crying so hard.. it was not for pain but because I really felt like my mom was there with me. And then calm set in. Its like I have made peace with God, someday, I will be with her again...

My children are the greatest joy in my life as well as my father's. I am blessed to be a mother and I hope I can be half as good a mother as my mother was and is.

I envy people for having their mothers share their joys and sorrows.. but they will always envy me for having the best mother ever. I am and will always be her daughter.

Neeraj told me the other day, that he has never ever met anyone so understanding, so calm and so mature. I know...Love you aai..

When faith overtakes common sense...

It does, to the best of us. When you are desparate enough, you do find yourself willing to go to any boundaries of common sense and try anything. I have been there and I have done that. I know I will regret it for the rest of my life, but at that time, I really really wanted something to cling on to.. and there was no other rope in sight.

If that caused pain and suffering, which could have been eased, I really believed at that time that this was the only thing left to try. I really want to say sorry, and so if you are around reading this in some supernatural way, then I am sorry. I never ever would have let you hurt if there was any other option available. I really really miss you and I will wait for the day we meet again...

When you try to move on..

Its been almost four and half months. Has there been one day that I have not thought of her? No. Has there been one day that I don't wish that things were different? No. Has there been one day that I have not wondered how things would be, if she were here? No.

I read somewhere that it takes kids about 3-4 months to forget a person. And yet, exactly four months later, Avani and I were walking (Her other aaji had just gone home) and she said, "Mamma, enough, now ask Shamli aaji to come back from Indore. I want to play with her". I wasn't sure if I was happier that she still remembers her or sad that she still misses her. "Bappa cha ghar" and "Indore" have somehow merged into one for her, because Bhaiyya has also gone to bappa cha ghar, and bhaiyya used to live in Indore. She still knows all the clothes Shamli aaji bought for her, and says I want to wear what she got for me. Or talks to her on the phone..

It hit me again yesterday, someone sent me a link to some gine.com (or something like that) where you can build your family tree. Our tree was partly built. I am an absolute junkie about these sites. Yes, I actually do visit most of them atleast once :). And I saw the word 'deceased' next to my mom's name. I think I choked just by looking at it, before a strange calmness set it, when it sunk in once again, that that is the reality. You can't deny it and you can't run away from it.

On another note, a message to the weird family at "The place" in camp, who thought it was a good idea to pass judgements about our 'parenting skills' when Avani cried at the table. FUCK YOU. The father was an ex-army man, with his wife, 20 something daughter and her boyfriend/fiance. Strangely, they were "criticizing US, and that it is trying to take over our country" and who insisted that the whole conversation be in English. Mere des premiyon....

Swades.. the perspective

Last night, I was watching Swades, the movie. I watched it the first time when I was in the US. Neeraj had already decided he wanted to go back to India, but I was a little skeptical. It was not much of an issue, since a major part of me wanted to go, but there was a tiny part of me that really liked the comforts of the American life.

I remember driving on Central expressway to work and listening to "yeh jo des hain tera" ... and I really felt like it was my calling to go back home. Whenever I felt doubtful, I used to listen to this song and it fortified our decision. Silly, right how one song (from a bollywood film) can mean so much to you...

Cut to last night, I was watching the movie, and all those memories came back flooding.. and I realize, was it God's way of telling me that I was needed back home? Back then, I never knew what was waiting for me. We have been back for a little over three years, three years that have completely changed my life. To the point that I sometimes feel that had I not come back, would things have been different? So many what ifs.

At that time, the song meant going to back my country, to make a difference. Now, all I really want is to have a different life..

A very random post..
Maybe just so you know I am not completely insane! :)

Wanting what you don't have: Thats why I searched the website for the 96.5 KOIT and have been listening to it since yesterday. It was my favorite radio channel when I was in the US. I was sick of the music collection that I have and radio mirchi is officially getting on my nerve. So, the live streaming music, the familiar tunes..the familar voices... feels umm..umm..good..Such a step away from the overly enthusiastic, hinglish, teenaged RJs..

An observation at the restaurant: Ever notice how as soon as the bill arrives at the table and the host opens the folder, everyone at the table, subtly tries to see what the amount is. They think they are being discreet, just that the stretching, peeping, sudden jerk of the neck.. Been guilty of that so many times... :)

At the same restaurant, as we were walking out, heard a 8-9 year old boy..in a very adamant tone .. "I am going to have sprite as soon as we go in". It was an announcement, not a request. I wonder if that was the end of an argument? or the beginning of one..

The end..

Did I know that the end was inevitable? yes.. Was I prepared after two years? No.. Is two years a good enough timeframe to prepare yourself mentally? No.. Does meeting people with bigger sorrows/tragedies make you feel better? No..

There is a voice inside me that is screaming loudly.. I feel like crying continuously might make me feel better, but I don't. There is only so much that you can cry? Why can't we have a switch to forget people/memories? You can't run away from memories.. or places. Visting those places makes me feel like I am closer to her.. yet.. just want to scream so loudly.. Just want to grieve till I can't grieve any more..if thats possible..

I had a long conversation with my mama, I asked him if he believed in rebirth.. he said, how does it matter? Even if a person comes back as your child, you will love the baby a lot.. if not, you will still love the baby a lot.. So, stop searching, because there is no end to hope..

The only absolute is your own death..

When we don't meet eyes..

Two people ..two huge tragedies, One person has lost her past..Other has lost his future..
We met after almost two weeks, not expecting to see each other, there was a look, a look that questioned, a look that sympathized, a look that was diverted because we were both at a loss of words.. how do you comfort someone when you are heartbroken?? How do you cry with someone when you aren't done crying for yourself...