For all of us who get 500 forwarded e-mails a week from certain people....... I had to share this:


I must send my thanks to whomever sent me the email about rat crap in the
glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every
envelope that needs sealing. Also, now I have to scrub the top of every
can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl
(Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the
1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the
$15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating
in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out
for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant
freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water
buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I
forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five
minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove
toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking a man along to watch the car
so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these
products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup water in the microwave
anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a
perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our
American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number
for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda,
Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my
free replacement pair from Nike.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have
their recipe.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown
African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it
bites my butt.

Thank you too for all the endless advice "Andy Rooney" has given us. I can
live a better life now because he's told us how to fix everything.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the
parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting
underneath my car to grab my leg.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 7
minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM and
the fleas from 12 camels will infest your arm pit's and crotch, causing
you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually
happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second
husband's cousin's beautician's daughter...