WYSIWYG

I found someones blog by mistake .. Someone I knew from a distance really. Pretty, happy and just cute! Thats how I remember this girl. And then when I read the blog. I discovered so many things about her..terrible things she went through around the same time that I knew her. Unimaginable, horrid.

And yet, when I still remember her, I remember the happy girl. Gorgeous too! :) I used to think, she is so pretty, so full of life and brilliant I was told.. she has the world at her feet. And her blog revealed what was so contradictory.

Hats off to this wonderful and strong person!

:(

I know someone who is in the last stages of cancer. She could have been more proactive I guess in getting treatment.. Could have been cured. Who knows?
Her son and daughter are same age as I. Grandchildren are the same age as my kids.. I know just how they are feeling. Helpless..Angry..Frustrated..Cheated.

For some reasons, she refused therapy. Chemo is not exactly pleasant. I don't think there is a right and wrong there.. She had the right to decide. But at 54, you wonder why she did not fight harder.. For the kids, the grand kids, the husband.

Its inevitable..she is going to pass away.. And will leave behind memories and pain..

The smell..The taste.. The warm fuzzy feeling.

(A sneak peak into my blog about my mom)

Was talking to my SIL last night, and she was telling me how when she misses her mom, (she is in the US), she makes 'ghadichi poli'.

She is married in a Deshastha family, and so her MIL makes phulkas. A few months back, I was at my mama's place. Since my mami loves 'kardai' bhaji, we took it for her from here. She is a busy doctor and was not able to make it right away. My grandmother, gently asked me to tell her that it was getting spoilt. So if she was too busy, she would ask one of the maids to make it. My mami said, "No, I want to make it just the way my grandmother and mother make it"

It is that familiar taste, that familiar smell that reminds you of your loved one. For me, it will always be "Paris" by YSL. It is a perfume that my mom wore for a very long time. She had it since 1992.

I remember opening her cupboard where all her designer perfumes were stashed away, just for the smell. It was a cocktail of many perfumes, from Charlie (which she had from before my birth), Paris, Obsession, Joop!, J'adore, Daviddoff, Chanel number 5 and many more. It was a her weak point and my dad bought her many on her trips abroad.

Her friend had once told her, "Why don't you use these everyday since you have so many..they are going to last you a lifetime". Ironical isn't it, since her lifetime was not long enough to empty those bottles.

So now, I have some of those bottles sitting in my cupboard, to smell and to wear when I miss her the most. And yes when I go to my dad's place, I insist on 'phulkas' and 'wangyachi rassa bhaji' just like the way mom used to make it..

Friends and faceless friends

So many people I interact with on a daily basis.. so many people who are my chat buddies. I chat with them for hours. I know so much about them. And yet, I have never met them, might never meet them, unless some supernatural intervention happens.

Yet, these faceless friends influence me in the same way as my 'in-person' friends. In fact, I find myself a tad bit more comfortable with them, because appearance is of no value, neither are perceptions.

You are only what you write and the way you phrase it. And yet, I think you are really what you are when you are just a 'faceless friend'...

I am back.. How long will this last this time? I don't know.

Why am I back? To vent about things normally shared with two of my closest people. One is in a different timezone, one is in a different world! :)

Yeah, I am there. I can now joke about it. I see things and don't start crying about everything. I can handle many questions and many assumptions.

Latest vent? About typecasting people. I always wonder. Movies show bad guys. These bad guys are bad from a person's perspective. What about their family/friends? I am against the black and the white. There are beautiful shades of grey in between..people sit somewhere on this spectrum. Their shade changes depending on where you are looking from.

Just because you don't like somebody, how can you assume that others should also not like that person. If you think bad of someone, how can you expect that others should feel the same?

Step back and think.. think what is it that bugs you the most? Is it even worth holding on to? Is it fair to extrapolate a single (or few) experience into an assumption of how the person is going to be?

Give people a chance..Give yourself a chance to be proven wrong....

You can never plan your life...

After a long conversation with someone, and harping about priorities, wish-lists, responsibilities, the conclusion was simple.

You can't plan your life, your life plans you.

When more than meets the eye...

Here is the reality. I lost my mother. Does that mean, I don't like it when people talk about their mothers? no..Why should I? I am glad that they have their moms to enjoy and share. I am equally glad for all the years I spent with my mom. There is no jealousy. There is anger when I see someone mistreat their mother, but no jealousy.

I used to think that it will hurt me when I would see other people with their moms. But actually faced with the situation, it does not hurt or pain. Its like a compartment. Its what is mine, not to be mixed with someone else..

Here is a little game ..

(I have not been sleeping too well past few days, kids, caffeine, work).

I am blogging, when I really want to be sleeping, and I should really be working. :)
So, if you had all the time in the world (money no bar / responsibility no bar), what are the top five things YOU would do?

Here are mine..
1. Sleep (obviously)
2. Go for a long walk.. just by myself..
3. Read a couple of good books that I really really want to finish
4. Get myself pampered at a salon.. hair, nails, skin.. the works
5. Shop till I drop..

The temple..
Here is the scene..

A whole bunch of people wait patiently, looking expectantly inside to catch a glimpse .. They all have a look of anticipation, excitement.. which quickly turns into disappointment when its not their turn.

Someone tries to squeeze past trying to see if they can use their charm/brute force and wiggle their way in.

The anticipation grows as you inch your way inside. You almost go into a trance thinking about the eventual 'darshan'. No matter how many times you visit, you will always get the same feeling of sheer excitement.

And then you do get called, you are taken to your table, and you sit down and order your SPDP !! :)

Language.

Here is a 'controversial' blog. But its just what I feel.

So, language is a way to communicate. Thats it. Period. It does not matter if it is grammatically correct or not. And yet, English is the chosen language the world prefers to do business in. You don't really have a choice to not learn English. Especially if you are from one of the countries that provide services to the developed nations.

Lack of formal education in English can cause a lot of diffidence, especially when in a situation demands strong language skills. This in turn, leads to the tendency to avoid such situations.

I honestly feel that, while your mother tongue is your own language and you ought to know it, (I am pathetic when it comes to mine, and frankly, I am okay with it). I live in a city where people are super-proud of the language. And yet, I have done just fine. I can communicate, I speak that language at home all the time. I may not read the newspaper in that language, or even books, but that has not come in the way of my career or life in general. But I dread to even think how it would be, if I were not fluent in English (I do not claim to be a master here either ;), so don't go picking on my mistakes). But, I am glad, English was not an hurdle that I had to cross in my adult life...

Dwelling in the future..

I think I like to worry. If there is no real reason to worry, I cook something up.. If I am not worried, I am worried because it does not seem right..

Current worry (not really a worry, just a cause for depression) that my little baby boy is going to turn one soon.. I will never have a baby again.. The newborn smell, the tiny hands and tiny feet.. make my uterus ache..

So, although I am super excited that he is walking and talking a bit and developing a personality, I am also sad that my babies are growing up way too fast..

Observations:

First and foremost, Happy new year! Did not plan to write a somber post as the very first post of the year, but had to get it off my heart ..

Anyways, so we spent a few days at a beach resort and this place a DJ night. This was our third time at this place, and here is how things have changed.

Dec 2005 - just the two of us. Danced all night..
Dec 2007 - two of us and Avani. Danced with Avani in between dinner and water breaks
Dec 2009 - two of us with Avani and Mihir. Avani danced, while Neeraj walked around keeping Mihir entertained and I kept an eye on all the other kids while their parents were busy with the younger ones. And then I fed Mihir his khichadi while observing other no-kids couples dance all night!

So, there are a few kinds of people.
I know I dance well: They are in their comfort zone when dancing in tune and to the beat. Pleasure to watch such people and wondering why we can't dance like them

I know I don't dance well, but I don't give a damn: They are the people who don't care how they look. They love to move and shake and break into Ganpati dance every once in a while..

I think I can dance, but what will people think?: People like me, who are too conscious about how they look and so try little moves once in a while, and go back to swaying from side to side.. envying the first category

I am not gonna dance: Need to say more??

I wish I could dance: Everyone else.. they can't dance, wish they could and so they stand on the side, moving just a bit, and then stop moving in the fear that someone might have seen them. Hard to tell if they can dance, because they never find out..

The C word.

time and again, the C word pops up when least expected. Everyone knows how dreadful it can be, but to have seen it up close and personal, I can only be speechless at how helpless you really are. When C takes over, there is nothing you can do. It does not matter how rich, famous, healthy you are. It takes over...completely.

Can you believe it? At my vacation beach resort, the folks sitting at the dinner table behind me, were discussing, in detail, about P C. I think that I am developing the art of blocking out sounds and people successfully..

Dealing with change..
I don't like change and I don't do too well with change either. I think I have mentioned that before.

Does that mean life gives you a choice? I was reading some of my older posts and I realized. It was one thing to say that I don't like change, and it is one thing to have to face change when it is staring at you, unabashedly..

That morning is the day that my life changed, forever. It was not like I was not prepared. I had two years to prepare and especially last couple of months when it was obviously inevitable. Yet. I did not have a choice to reject this change..

So, yes. I don't like change.. change seems to love me..

Me too!

I see a trend amongst the current generation to try be a me-too! Photography is one thing that blatantly stands out. Visit social networking sites and you will see so many people trying their hands at photography. Digital SLRs have made the dream of many wannabe photographers true. And it does take them a notch higher than where they would be with a regular camera..

Not all of them are exceptional.. But atleast, it has opened avenues for many folks to try their hand at creativity. And its not like painting or music, where there is no substitute for real talent. Snap, edit and post. And you can click several dozen photos with the digital media to not care about missing a few (or most ;) )

And then every once in a while you land up with a gem... till you get your gem, click away..

They say opposites attract.

So true. I am yet to meet a couple that agrees on bedtime, fan speed, A/C settings (or the need for an A/C), preference for sweet / spicy food ..the list is endless.

Every time you talk to a couple for a long time, these differences creep up. You find yourself identifying with one half of the couple, your spouse with the other half. Need not be the same gender.

You will say "hey, I am like that too and my husband is like the other one"

As, rightly pointed out. I wouldn't want to be married to myself. Thats a scary thought!

Hate.. Vs..Don't like

I think age is mellowing me down. There were times when I said explosive statements, that started with "I Hate". Over time, its changed to "I don't like". Same things.

Maturity and being a parent plays a role in this I am sure, a big role.

My SIL recently commented on how my blog is like a girlfriend to me. It is, because this is where I talk about what I feel and its my space. These are my opinions. Not being forced upon you. Read it and forget it.

Why is it so fashionable to hate US?

I keep on running into people who hate everything about US. Some of them have not been to the US, some have for various lengths of period. And yet, they all keep on telling me how they don't like US etc.

I left US by choice, not because I ran out of visa or because I hated it. I came back, because I wanted to be India. Thats it. But people fail to understand, why I don't hate US.. hmmm

Then and Now..

This is us. Every weekend, neeraj and I seem to talk about the life before we had kids. Before we had two kids. Now we think, even one child was so much easier to manage.
Make me wonder. I don't remember my parents ever saying this. It is likely that they did, and I was too young to remember or understand. But the expectations were different. We did not go out every weekend (or thursday for us). We went out sometimes and that more more frequent than most of my friends.

Going out as a family, every week was unheard of. So what has changed? Neeraj said, we are more exhausted. My dad had one day off and worked from 7:15 am - 8 pm. On a good day. Many a times, he came home after nine or even ten. I am sure my mom got bored. But, it was just how things were. With most of us, middle class working people.

Similarly, I was talking one of my close friend. Her husband is away for three weeks and she works full time as well. With a 4 year old and a 1 year old. She and I were discussing, how once her husband gets back, she deserves a shopping spree or time off to compensate for all the days that her husband was away. And since Neeraj will be away for 4 days later this month, I chimed in, that I will join you, for my time off in advance.

Her mom and my mom were "house wives". So she and I have very similar background. I don't remember our moms saying, now its our turn. I don't think women in those days ever said, I deserve some time off because I do all the housework and cook and clean and feed the kids.

Its not to criticize anyone or any generation. Just an observation of how things are starkly different now..