“I want to send my child to Pune to prepare for NEET exam and not Kota because there are too many suicide cases in Kota.”

My heart sank when I heard this. So we are no longer really even trying to fix why so many kids are committing suicides, we are trying to link a city with the number of suicides and as long as you child is not in the city, you have avoided the issue.

As a parent of a 12th grader who recently appeared for the JEE mains exam, I can safely say that competitive exams post 10th grade are not for the faint hearted. And yet, the system is such that if you want to opt for STEM courses, this is the only way to do it. Not everyone can afford expensive schools outside India, or even pay the donation to secure seats via other means. So for all practical purposes, this is the only real way to get into an engineering college and so here are my observations.

1. Children go from an environment where everybody is a winner to everybody is a loser. 

2. Tenth board exams (irrespective of which board) tell them that it’s quite easy to score 90% and above. JEE tells them that getting 30% is good enough to be in the top 2.5 Lakh students. It’s a massive shift in the mentality. 

3. If board exams are designed such that most children clear the exam, JEE is designed such that most kids will fail the exam.

4. MCQs are misleading. Steps don’t count. Negative marking is horrible. 

5. Their social life comes to a stand still. Going from spending 7-8 hours with friends in school, extra-curricular activities like sports, music, dance, to spending 12-15 hours studying, mostly by yourself, is hard. 

6. Coaching classes are brutal. They are only concerned about how many students eventually make it to the IITs. Bigger the class, the more irrelevant most kids are. Even the conventionally “smart/intelligent” kids in schools struggle in an environment where only a select 50 or 100 students get the special treatment. The rest are just cash cows for the classes. 

7. Coaching classes have no obligation to these kids. If you make it to IIT, they take credit. If you don’t, you aren't capable. Simple. 

8. Credit can be bought. Classes offer lakhs of rupees to kids just to claim they went to their class. Take everything you read with a pinch of salt.

9. There will be kids who didn’t opt for this and will have a more envious lifestyle for a teenager. Social outings, competitions, birthdays are all things that a JEE child will miss. Instagram updates give the kids a major FOMO and staying focussed, in spite of this, is hard.

10. As parents, be prepared to support them emotionally very very frequently. Weekly tests, batch shuffling, fierce competition are just a part and parcel of the JEE life. And 16 year olds are not emotionally equipped to handle this. Definitely not on their own. 

11. Within 6-8 months, many kids start to give up. If your child still wants to continue, they will need lots of support. 

12. In spite of the best preparation, the 3 hours of the exam is a matter of luck. Many factors play into it and the output can be totally unexpected. Yet again, as parents, we have to support them. This is just the beginning. You still have boards where you need to score 75%, and then Mains 2 or advanced or both or neither.

This is my experience as a parent of a child who opted to prepare for JEE. I am not here to justify why we decided to go for it even though I have listed the points above. I am here to tell you that many parents will be in exactly the same situation as I am, and I wish I had known how hard it was going to be on the child and the parents and the entire family. As parents, it's so important to tell the child that life is beautiful and life always finds a way to be alright.

This used to be my playground

Last week, a co-worker happened to wear a new finger ring that was really pretty. I am not a jewelry person, but this one was really different. When I asked her where she got it from, she mentioned a store very close to dad's place. Made a mental note to go over when I went there next.

The usual Friday routine - late from work, raining, metro work on Karve Road. Finally when I stepped out, it was ideal to just walk the short distance. As I stepped onto Karve road, I noticed a lot had changed, but most hadn't. My favourite Thakkar library was gone but Sagar sweets was still there with the same smell of frying oil that I remembered. The man behind the counter looked familiar but I didn't want to stare. Uttam medicals was renovated, but the charming young man who ran it, was now a "older young man". He looked at me quizzically and then flashed a big smile of recognition. I didn't have to heart to walk in and ask about his father. As I walked past Natraj, I saw the owner. Still intimidating I must say. :)

I realized, so much was still just the same. The metro work also made the road much less crowded than a typical Friday evening. Just like it was when we staked claim to this area.

United by jersey number 7

I am not a cricket fan. There I have said it. I do enjoy a game of cricket once in a while if the game is interesting but most of the times, I can tune out faster than I tune out my kid's fights.

This year however, I did go to for the IPL match. I had great plans to spend an evening with my son who shares my "love" for cricket. It's a father-daughter thing in my house. However, landed up going to the match.

Going to the stadium in Pune takes longer than one inning of the match. Usually the husband and daughter go on scooter to avoid getting stuck in traffic. This time, I dragged my son and myself on the scooter and set out. How bad can it be, right? Well, it is worse than your worst imagination. Serpentine lines of cars, scooters start about 4 km before the stadium entrance. And this at 2 in the afternoon under the blazing Indian summer sun!

"Mom, let's just go back. No one will notice". The enthusiastic son encouraged.

"Let's just try for a few more minutes", I say, cringing inside when the sun shines with all his might.

"Mom, can I get a Sprite when we get there?". He knows I will agree to anything. "Nicely played, kid!"

The biggest challenge was, I didn't really study the route before we started. And I knew, I was generally supposed to go towards the expressway. (I have a penchant of getting lost.) The husband had given very specific instructions "Stay on the left of the ramp". Erm, there are multiple such ramps!

In my mind "Let there be some sign that we are going in the right direction!". And then it happens, one yellow tee-shirt with "Dhoni 7" written on it appears from nowhere.

Hallelujah! "We are going to follow this fellow". Slowly but surely, Dhoni 7s started appearing from all directions. A Kohli 18 would intersperse once in a while, but this was a city that was possessed by Dhoni 7! Dhoni 7 in all shapes, genders, sizes, ages. The sea of yellow was flowing towards the stadium. Finally, after we got to the stadium, (and I after I paid my dues to the Sprite god), the match had already started. Dhoni gave the audience what they were so eagerly waiting for : 3 sixes in 3 balls. This non-cricket person cheered, screamed and jumped and begrudgingly admitted, this is fun!

On the way back, the Dhoni 7s guided us back home. "Mom, can we get one more Sprite for the ride back home?" I heard from the back seat while I regretted not buying a Dhoni 7 for myself! After all, there may be some one like me for the next match, who made need directions to the
stadium! Wait. Did I just say something about going for the next match?

Looking back

Was listening to a few songs on radio while working and suddenly a song played that I hadn't heard in a while. The song immediately look me back about 18 years and for a few moments, I forgot everything. I was transported into days of crushes, secret glances, prank and (yes!) blank calls.

My heart actually started dancing and a smile appeared on my face unknowingly, until I heard .. "Mom!!! I am late for my class". Bang! came the feelings crashing to the floor as I dragged myself to the car and drove across the town listening to "mom, you know ..somebody in my class farted while teacher was......". I tuned off.

"Sigh. So much for the nostalgia".

On the way back, once again on my own in the car I allowed myself to search and play the song. Turned up the volume, as if on cue, gentle monsoon showers made their way. Even if Bollywood had planned this scene, it wouldn't have been executed to this perfection.

Carefree days, friends, wadapav and Thums up. So many memories flooding in. Those rides in the rain, barely reaching college on time in winters, don't even remember complaining about the summer! The misunderstandings, the fall in-and-out of love, the jealousy, the tears, the joys. There were no selfies (thank God!) and no whatsapp. Certainly no unlimited calling. Every call was monitored sternly by mom who stood there with a clock ticking away in her hands. Rarely spoke to the crush, but spent hours discussing him with your best friend, only to find out much later, the best friend had a crush on you...:)

And I pull into the parking. Sat there listening to the song on repeat, until I am done. I close the chapter of memories and walk out of the car into today! The memories that surround me vanish but the smile lingers on....

Being a good person

In the past few months, I have learnt so much about people and rose tinted glasses that I have in the past 37 years. Keep doing good and eventually only good will come to you. I have reminded myself and my children. You punish a child when he/she makes a mistake, unknowingly and mostly innocently. But how do you punish an adult when the actions are deplorable. You can't give them a timeout, you can't shout at them. You simply have to accept and move on.

Its hard to tell a child, that adults make mistakes. And it's worse when your child tells you, "Mom, it's okay. I didn't like that person either". Sometimes I am glad that my child is better at recognizing people than I am. And this time, the rose tinted glasses are gone and the claws are out. Bring it on. 

Throw than mend

I recently read somewhere that "we come from a generation where you didn't throw things, you mend them".. But sometimes, if mending takes more efforts than buying a new one, doesn't it make sense to just throw away the broken.

We come from a generation of stressed, time-pressed people. Its a cut throat competition and if you want to get some sanity in your life, you have to let the small things not bother you. If that means, I throw something so I can buy something new, so be it. If that saves me a few minutes and gives me time to just sit back.

A letter to me

I have been a huge fan of Amulya Malladi's books. Imagine my excitement when she accepted my friend request on FB. And yes, now I am a bigger fan of her blog posts. Simply written, straight from the heart. And the latest one, strikes a cord!

She has written some notes to herself, herself when she was 23. I am inspired to do the same.

Dear Ketaki

You are 25, newly married and a brand new job. Financially independent for the first time and free to make your own decisions. With great power comes great responsibility. But also remember, you are 25 only once. Trust me, its true.

Go ahead, color your hair. Not because you need it, but just because you can play around with your hair without having to worry about more hair loss. When I look at your lustrous tresses and I look at mine (desperately trying to hide the beginnings of white hair), I wish I had colored my hair at least once. Not the crazy golden color, people mistake you to be anything but Indian any way and the golden hair will not help :) Just streaks of light brown.

Oh yes, wear those short skirts and shorts. Its okay, you may be slightly plump And you can carry it off by bordering on "cutely plump". Don't think so much about what everyone will think. Trust me, you are in America, no one cares.

And go beyond standard retail chains for shopping. Venture into the pricier brands, the feel good brands. You have the money and the age to flaunt it a little bit..heck flaunt more! The five hundred dollars you save by not doing so, not going to matter 10 years from now... Trust me, no fun like having money and no responsibility.

Get exercising ..pronto! You don't want to be ten years older and struggling to lose even a gram. Get that cycle, go cycling, running, swimming. You are in US, the roads are clean, there are cycle tracks, running tracks, fully equipped gym at work. Sweat it out..Trust me its harder when you are older....

Go see the world, maybe not the world, but you are close enough to South America. Don't wait, book that holiday to Peru and Mexico. Don't fear being mugged there, enjoy it. Trust me, it does get harder with kids and that word..yet again... "RESPONSIBILITY".

Love,
Ketaki

The uncomfortable Indian

The uncomfortable Indian

The events in the past few days hit us with a bang as we landed in Mumbai after a week long holiday with no internet and phone access. While we caught glimpses of the events on CNN, we were in the holiday mood and didn't want to dampen the mood.

However the access to facebook brought us abreast to the events that happened and made shivers run through my spine. The more you read and the horrors unfolded to me, it made us ashamed and scared. Scared out of our wits. You start to wonder, how can somebody who has a mother, a sister, a grandmother think of doing something so heinous to any other living being.

The punishment has to be equally and probably worse, such that no other man should ever think of doing such a thing. Death is the easy way out. It gets over quickly. What we need to do is something that will leave an impact, long term.

As a mother, a daughter, a sister, I will always live in fear. I was going to discontinue my daughter's karate, now I am not going to. The least I can do, is provide her the means to protect herself.

Found this on a blog.. Thought it was fun

01. Bought everyone in the bar a drink
02. Swam with wild dolphins
03. Climbed a mountain
04. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive
05. Been inside the Great Pyramid
06. Held a tarantula
07. Taken a candlelit bath with someone
08. Said “I love you” and meant it
09. Hugged a tree
10. Bungee jumped
11. Visited Paris
12. Watched a lightning storm at sea
13. Stayed up all night long and saw the sun rise
14. Seen the Northern Lights
15. Gone to a huge sports game
16. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa
17. Grown and eaten your own vegetables
18. Touched an iceberg
19. Slept under the stars
20. Changed a baby’s diaper
21. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
22. Watched a meteor shower
23. Gotten drunk on champagne
24. Given more than you can afford to charity
25. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
26. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
27. Had a food fight
28. Bet on a winning horse
29. Asked out a stranger
30. Had a snowball fight
31. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
32. Held a lamb
33. Seen a total eclipse of the moon
34. Ridden a roller coaster
35. Hit a home run
36. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking
37. Adopted an accent for an entire day
38. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment
39. Had two hard drives for your computer
40. Visited all 50 states
41. Taken care of someone who was drunk
42. Had amazing friends
43. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country
44. Watched wild whales
45. Stolen a sign
46. Backpacked in Europe
47. Taken a road-trip
48. Gone rock climbing
49. Midnight walk on the beach
50. Gone sky diving
51. Visited Ireland
52. Been heartbroken longer than you were actually in love
53. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger’s table and had a meal with them
54. Visited Japan
55. Milked a cow
56. Alphabetized your CDs
57. Pretended to be a superhero
58. Sung karaoke
59. Lounged around in bed all day
60. Played touch football
61. Gone scuba diving
62. Kissed in the rain
63. Played in the mud
64. Played in the rain
65. Gone to a drive-in theater
66. Visited the Great Wall of China
67. Started a business
68. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken
69. Toured ancient sites
70. Taken a martial arts class
71. Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight
72. Gotten married
73. Been in a movie
74. Crashed a party
75. Gotten divorced
76. Gone without food for 5 days
77. Made cookies from scratch
78. Won first prize in a costume contest
79. Ridden a gondola in Venice
80. Gotten a tattoo
81. Rafted the Snake River
82. Been on television news programs as an “expert”
83. Got flowers for no reason
84. Performed on stage
85. Been to Las Vegas
86. Recorded music
87. Eaten shark
88. Kissed on the first date
89. Gone to Thailand
90. Bought a house
91. Been in a combat zone
92. Buried one/both of your parents
93. Been on a cruise ship
94. Spoken more than one language fluently
95. Performed in Rocky Horror
96. Raised children
97. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour
99. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
100. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over
101. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge
102. Sang loudly in the car, and didn’t stop when you knew someone was looking
103. Had plastic surgery
104. Survived an accident that you shouldn’t have survived
105. Wrote articles for a large publication
106. Lost over 100 pounds
107. Held someone while they were having a flashback
108. Piloted an airplane
109. Touched a stingray
110. Broken someone’s heart
111. Helped an animal give birth
112. Won money on a T.V. game show
113. Broken a bone
114. Gone on an African photo safari
115. Had a facial part pierced other than your ears
116. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol
117. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild
118. Ridden a horse
119. Had major surgery
120. Had a snake as a pet
121. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
122. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours
123. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. states
124. Visited all 7 continents
125. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
126. Eaten kangaroo meat
127. Eaten sushi
128. Had your picture in the newspaper
129. Changed someone’s mind about something you care deeply about
130. Gone back to school
131. Parasailed
132. Touched a cockroach
133. Eaten fried green tomatoes
134. Read The Iliad - and the Odyssey
135. Selected one “important” author who you missed in school, and read
136. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
137. Skipped all your school reunions
138. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language
139. Been elected to public office
140. Written your own computer language
141. Thought to yourself that you’re living your dream
142. Had to put someone you love into hospice care
143. Built your own PC from parts
144. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn’t know you
145. Had a booth at a street fair
146. Dyed your hair
147. Been a DJ
148. Shaved your head
149. Caused a car accident
150. Saved someone’s life

My old home..

A friend sent me a link to her blog that was written about the memories of her old house. The place she grew up in. Her parents have moved out of that place..

Set me thinking. My dad still lives in the house I grew up in. Well after I turned 6. That's where all my memories are. The house and the building is the same. I still go there every week.. Feel like an outsider now.. Priyamvada was a beautiful apartment complex. First of its kind with landscaped gardens, rose gardens and orange and white colour that made it stand apart.

With just 11 apartments, we were about 6-7 of us of similar age. Always played together, rarely fought (or now I don't remember). Isolated from the traffic, we had plenty of space to place outside the complex. There was no school, coaching classes, and IT companies in that space.

Wonderfully isolated, we grew together. Holidays, festivals, occasional tragedies. All 11 families shared together. Occasional arguments only added colour to the scene.

How I wish I could get Manjumavshi's never ending love, Vidwans kaku's pampering, Kelkar aaji's scolding, Uttara Maushi's and Poonam maushi's chattering, Godbole kaku's sane advice, Ghanekar kaku's ever welcoming smile, Vinze aaji's loud laughter back..

There probably similar love, affection still there..people have changed. Or I have changed. But now when I go, I take the elevator upto my dad's apartment and back down.

No stopping at every floor chatting with someone, no cross building communication and certainly no feeling of belonging..

Diwali is tomorrow .. Faral, akashkandil, pantya, new clothes.. all the things we associate with Diwali. I am thrilled that my children are also experiencing Diwali just like I did.

I remember the excitement of new clothes. Usually that we got twice in a year (birthday and diwali). The food mom made, (sometimes bought), dad getting this exotic dry-fruit boxes from suppliers. And fatake. Moti soap, utna..

Now, maybe my kids don't appreciate getting new clothes. They get these every few days. They don't appreciate dry-fruits, these are lying around in dabbas they can open and eat whenever they want.. Faral, maybe not so much, as I buy and keep a bunch of stuff regularly for school and afternoon snack.

And yet, today Avani asked her aaji. Is Diwali tomorrow..WOW?! She had a smile on her face as she walked away. Wonder when she is my age, what will her associations be with Diwali..

A life update..

Miss A is all of 5 years old. Arguments, hugs, kisses, and plenty of fun.. Arguments came first because the girl challenges all the time. Its not just academic. She will not accept things at face value. She is such a daddy's girl in the kind of person that she is.. Strong, stubborn, smart and loving. All bundled into a tiny energy packet..

Little M is on the way to winning the award for the best/worst terrible twos.. Hmm.. let me start. We like to bully big sister, who will not hit him unless she is really provoked. We like to give and get hugs, kisses and cute smiles. We can get away with a bunch of naughtiness by simply doing something silly.. And yes, he has everyone wrapped around his finger..

My little babies are growing up way too fast, and I have decided to be more regular ..for myself..

Memories..

I seem to come back to this blog in intervals. Intervals that are caused when I hear about a new diagnosis. Its just the place to come to when your insides feel like jelly.. When you mentally relive the horrors yet again..

But since I want my blog to also be a reminder of the happy times.. I spent quite a lot of time, and found some precious memories lost in the high-speed life. Reading about those things made me so happy. So..in a new post, I am going the happy route.. Anyone wants to join?? :)

WYSIWYG

I found someones blog by mistake .. Someone I knew from a distance really. Pretty, happy and just cute! Thats how I remember this girl. And then when I read the blog. I discovered so many things about her..terrible things she went through around the same time that I knew her. Unimaginable, horrid.

And yet, when I still remember her, I remember the happy girl. Gorgeous too! :) I used to think, she is so pretty, so full of life and brilliant I was told.. she has the world at her feet. And her blog revealed what was so contradictory.

Hats off to this wonderful and strong person!

:(

I know someone who is in the last stages of cancer. She could have been more proactive I guess in getting treatment.. Could have been cured. Who knows?
Her son and daughter are same age as I. Grandchildren are the same age as my kids.. I know just how they are feeling. Helpless..Angry..Frustrated..Cheated.

For some reasons, she refused therapy. Chemo is not exactly pleasant. I don't think there is a right and wrong there.. She had the right to decide. But at 54, you wonder why she did not fight harder.. For the kids, the grand kids, the husband.

Its inevitable..she is going to pass away.. And will leave behind memories and pain..

The smell..The taste.. The warm fuzzy feeling.

(A sneak peak into my blog about my mom)

Was talking to my SIL last night, and she was telling me how when she misses her mom, (she is in the US), she makes 'ghadichi poli'.

She is married in a Deshastha family, and so her MIL makes phulkas. A few months back, I was at my mama's place. Since my mami loves 'kardai' bhaji, we took it for her from here. She is a busy doctor and was not able to make it right away. My grandmother, gently asked me to tell her that it was getting spoilt. So if she was too busy, she would ask one of the maids to make it. My mami said, "No, I want to make it just the way my grandmother and mother make it"

It is that familiar taste, that familiar smell that reminds you of your loved one. For me, it will always be "Paris" by YSL. It is a perfume that my mom wore for a very long time. She had it since 1992.

I remember opening her cupboard where all her designer perfumes were stashed away, just for the smell. It was a cocktail of many perfumes, from Charlie (which she had from before my birth), Paris, Obsession, Joop!, J'adore, Daviddoff, Chanel number 5 and many more. It was a her weak point and my dad bought her many on her trips abroad.

Her friend had once told her, "Why don't you use these everyday since you have so many..they are going to last you a lifetime". Ironical isn't it, since her lifetime was not long enough to empty those bottles.

So now, I have some of those bottles sitting in my cupboard, to smell and to wear when I miss her the most. And yes when I go to my dad's place, I insist on 'phulkas' and 'wangyachi rassa bhaji' just like the way mom used to make it..

Friends and faceless friends

So many people I interact with on a daily basis.. so many people who are my chat buddies. I chat with them for hours. I know so much about them. And yet, I have never met them, might never meet them, unless some supernatural intervention happens.

Yet, these faceless friends influence me in the same way as my 'in-person' friends. In fact, I find myself a tad bit more comfortable with them, because appearance is of no value, neither are perceptions.

You are only what you write and the way you phrase it. And yet, I think you are really what you are when you are just a 'faceless friend'...

I am back.. How long will this last this time? I don't know.

Why am I back? To vent about things normally shared with two of my closest people. One is in a different timezone, one is in a different world! :)

Yeah, I am there. I can now joke about it. I see things and don't start crying about everything. I can handle many questions and many assumptions.

Latest vent? About typecasting people. I always wonder. Movies show bad guys. These bad guys are bad from a person's perspective. What about their family/friends? I am against the black and the white. There are beautiful shades of grey in between..people sit somewhere on this spectrum. Their shade changes depending on where you are looking from.

Just because you don't like somebody, how can you assume that others should also not like that person. If you think bad of someone, how can you expect that others should feel the same?

Step back and think.. think what is it that bugs you the most? Is it even worth holding on to? Is it fair to extrapolate a single (or few) experience into an assumption of how the person is going to be?

Give people a chance..Give yourself a chance to be proven wrong....

You can never plan your life...

After a long conversation with someone, and harping about priorities, wish-lists, responsibilities, the conclusion was simple.

You can't plan your life, your life plans you.

When more than meets the eye...

Here is the reality. I lost my mother. Does that mean, I don't like it when people talk about their mothers? no..Why should I? I am glad that they have their moms to enjoy and share. I am equally glad for all the years I spent with my mom. There is no jealousy. There is anger when I see someone mistreat their mother, but no jealousy.

I used to think that it will hurt me when I would see other people with their moms. But actually faced with the situation, it does not hurt or pain. Its like a compartment. Its what is mine, not to be mixed with someone else..