Dealing with change..
I don't like change and I don't do too well with change either. I think I have mentioned that before.

Does that mean life gives you a choice? I was reading some of my older posts and I realized. It was one thing to say that I don't like change, and it is one thing to have to face change when it is staring at you, unabashedly..

That morning is the day that my life changed, forever. It was not like I was not prepared. I had two years to prepare and especially last couple of months when it was obviously inevitable. Yet. I did not have a choice to reject this change..

So, yes. I don't like change.. change seems to love me..

Me too!

I see a trend amongst the current generation to try be a me-too! Photography is one thing that blatantly stands out. Visit social networking sites and you will see so many people trying their hands at photography. Digital SLRs have made the dream of many wannabe photographers true. And it does take them a notch higher than where they would be with a regular camera..

Not all of them are exceptional.. But atleast, it has opened avenues for many folks to try their hand at creativity. And its not like painting or music, where there is no substitute for real talent. Snap, edit and post. And you can click several dozen photos with the digital media to not care about missing a few (or most ;) )

And then every once in a while you land up with a gem... till you get your gem, click away..

They say opposites attract.

So true. I am yet to meet a couple that agrees on bedtime, fan speed, A/C settings (or the need for an A/C), preference for sweet / spicy food ..the list is endless.

Every time you talk to a couple for a long time, these differences creep up. You find yourself identifying with one half of the couple, your spouse with the other half. Need not be the same gender.

You will say "hey, I am like that too and my husband is like the other one"

As, rightly pointed out. I wouldn't want to be married to myself. Thats a scary thought!

Hate.. Vs..Don't like

I think age is mellowing me down. There were times when I said explosive statements, that started with "I Hate". Over time, its changed to "I don't like". Same things.

Maturity and being a parent plays a role in this I am sure, a big role.

My SIL recently commented on how my blog is like a girlfriend to me. It is, because this is where I talk about what I feel and its my space. These are my opinions. Not being forced upon you. Read it and forget it.

Why is it so fashionable to hate US?

I keep on running into people who hate everything about US. Some of them have not been to the US, some have for various lengths of period. And yet, they all keep on telling me how they don't like US etc.

I left US by choice, not because I ran out of visa or because I hated it. I came back, because I wanted to be India. Thats it. But people fail to understand, why I don't hate US.. hmmm

Then and Now..

This is us. Every weekend, neeraj and I seem to talk about the life before we had kids. Before we had two kids. Now we think, even one child was so much easier to manage.
Make me wonder. I don't remember my parents ever saying this. It is likely that they did, and I was too young to remember or understand. But the expectations were different. We did not go out every weekend (or thursday for us). We went out sometimes and that more more frequent than most of my friends.

Going out as a family, every week was unheard of. So what has changed? Neeraj said, we are more exhausted. My dad had one day off and worked from 7:15 am - 8 pm. On a good day. Many a times, he came home after nine or even ten. I am sure my mom got bored. But, it was just how things were. With most of us, middle class working people.

Similarly, I was talking one of my close friend. Her husband is away for three weeks and she works full time as well. With a 4 year old and a 1 year old. She and I were discussing, how once her husband gets back, she deserves a shopping spree or time off to compensate for all the days that her husband was away. And since Neeraj will be away for 4 days later this month, I chimed in, that I will join you, for my time off in advance.

Her mom and my mom were "house wives". So she and I have very similar background. I don't remember our moms saying, now its our turn. I don't think women in those days ever said, I deserve some time off because I do all the housework and cook and clean and feed the kids.

Its not to criticize anyone or any generation. Just an observation of how things are starkly different now..

Geriatric Immunity

Age is such a wonderful thing.. Even when it is ticking away in the direction you don't want it to. 1s become 2s and 2s become 3s, and denial starts. And yet, it is a wonderful thing.

As you get older, you can do things you could not as a younger person. I mean things like, look at a really good looking boy and then tell whoever is with you, how handsome he is. You can get away with it..

As your age progresses, you can even ogle at him and not bother about looking weird. You have that mommy look all over your face anyways. And then you hit that age where you can say whatever you want, do whatever you like.. and yet, you have the excuse of being "cute" bordering on senility.. :)

Education Vs Experience

Case 1: You learn some things in school and then don't use it.

Case 2: You learn the same (or similar things) at work after having learnt to use it..

Is it okay to discount either?

I had written a one-liner .. "when is the right time to remove training wheels, 3,10,18,30,60.. never?"

Sometime, you don't get a choice. Sometime the training wheels are taking out when you are the least bit aware. Sometimes, you cling to it for the rest of your lives. Even when the wheels have long gone, or are of no use anyways.

My three year old wants mommy to do everything for her. Only mommy, no one else is allowed to bathe her, give her milk, take her to the potty. Frankly, I enjoy the attention, because I know, when she is 13, mommy is NOT going to be her hero, mommy is someone you ignore, someone who is just so uncool. I know, because I felt that once upon a time. I think that is when your stop using your training wheels. They are there, just that you don't use them any more..

And again when you are older, you start to tilt sideways and rely on those wheels to support you once again...until a point, when you suddenly become training wheels yourself...

Circle of (my favorite four letter word these days)..LIFE..

Life ..strange, how almost every time I try to write a post, it starts with this four letter word!

I try to be witty/funny/interesting/controversial.. but no. I land up pouring out my feelings on this media, where some of the people I am closest to, stop by to read what I can't otherwise tell them.

The circle of life is such deep and poignant thing, and yet if you look at it, its life and death and life and death.. interspersed with different combinations. But essentially, life and death. And yet, we go on with our life with the same fervor every single day. You know that there is only one eventual end which brings together everyone.. the rich, the poor, the big, the small, the smart, the educated, the beautiful, the ..everyone.

Most of us live a life where eventually it does not matter what happens to us. And yet, that does not stop me from indulging in the icecream/brownie/cookie/kaanda bhaji, knowing very well, that it will probably bring me closer the the eventual end.
The temptation for food/clothes/jewels/money is what keeps life interesting.. and yet, we know that, in the end it does not matter..

Yet, the only eventual truth is the only thing we deny ..day in and day out..

Back. for now.
I write when I want to write. I did not want to write, hence I did not. deal with it! :)

Whats up with me? Avani has her third birthday approaching and I am not sure how to get the whole thing done with the whole Swine Flu thing. Its a crime to even ask people to come to a party.. !

Mihir is officially mobile. Not crawling, but that boy is strong. He can push himself and go pretty much everywhere. And he loves to eat. Apples, Cerelac, (Marie mommy couldn't resist). And he still wants to eat. He is just a happy baby who loves to smile and coo and play.

Me? Still battling on work, home front. Wish I were better at managing time so that Avani gets to play with me often (not waste time on blogger ;) )

Swine Flu? Had to get an opinion in there. What has it done to me?
1. Made me more paranoid, if thats possible.
2. Made me put on weight. Food is the only entertainment in this house arrest.
3. Appreciate Avani's school
4. Appreciate my cook, who is out.
5. Watch tons of movies..bal hanuman, krishna, my friend ganesha.. all..

Oh yeah, I bought masks and I wore them.. there, confessed! :p

Life and death...

Such is the irony of life and death. I am grieving the death of my mother and celebrating the birth of my son. In the labor room, I remember crying so hard.. it was not for pain but because I really felt like my mom was there with me. And then calm set in. Its like I have made peace with God, someday, I will be with her again...

My children are the greatest joy in my life as well as my father's. I am blessed to be a mother and I hope I can be half as good a mother as my mother was and is.

I envy people for having their mothers share their joys and sorrows.. but they will always envy me for having the best mother ever. I am and will always be her daughter.

Neeraj told me the other day, that he has never ever met anyone so understanding, so calm and so mature. I know...Love you aai..

When faith overtakes common sense...

It does, to the best of us. When you are desparate enough, you do find yourself willing to go to any boundaries of common sense and try anything. I have been there and I have done that. I know I will regret it for the rest of my life, but at that time, I really really wanted something to cling on to.. and there was no other rope in sight.

If that caused pain and suffering, which could have been eased, I really believed at that time that this was the only thing left to try. I really want to say sorry, and so if you are around reading this in some supernatural way, then I am sorry. I never ever would have let you hurt if there was any other option available. I really really miss you and I will wait for the day we meet again...

When you try to move on..

Its been almost four and half months. Has there been one day that I have not thought of her? No. Has there been one day that I don't wish that things were different? No. Has there been one day that I have not wondered how things would be, if she were here? No.

I read somewhere that it takes kids about 3-4 months to forget a person. And yet, exactly four months later, Avani and I were walking (Her other aaji had just gone home) and she said, "Mamma, enough, now ask Shamli aaji to come back from Indore. I want to play with her". I wasn't sure if I was happier that she still remembers her or sad that she still misses her. "Bappa cha ghar" and "Indore" have somehow merged into one for her, because Bhaiyya has also gone to bappa cha ghar, and bhaiyya used to live in Indore. She still knows all the clothes Shamli aaji bought for her, and says I want to wear what she got for me. Or talks to her on the phone..

It hit me again yesterday, someone sent me a link to some gine.com (or something like that) where you can build your family tree. Our tree was partly built. I am an absolute junkie about these sites. Yes, I actually do visit most of them atleast once :). And I saw the word 'deceased' next to my mom's name. I think I choked just by looking at it, before a strange calmness set it, when it sunk in once again, that that is the reality. You can't deny it and you can't run away from it.

On another note, a message to the weird family at "The place" in camp, who thought it was a good idea to pass judgements about our 'parenting skills' when Avani cried at the table. FUCK YOU. The father was an ex-army man, with his wife, 20 something daughter and her boyfriend/fiance. Strangely, they were "criticizing US, and that it is trying to take over our country" and who insisted that the whole conversation be in English. Mere des premiyon....

Swades.. the perspective

Last night, I was watching Swades, the movie. I watched it the first time when I was in the US. Neeraj had already decided he wanted to go back to India, but I was a little skeptical. It was not much of an issue, since a major part of me wanted to go, but there was a tiny part of me that really liked the comforts of the American life.

I remember driving on Central expressway to work and listening to "yeh jo des hain tera" ... and I really felt like it was my calling to go back home. Whenever I felt doubtful, I used to listen to this song and it fortified our decision. Silly, right how one song (from a bollywood film) can mean so much to you...

Cut to last night, I was watching the movie, and all those memories came back flooding.. and I realize, was it God's way of telling me that I was needed back home? Back then, I never knew what was waiting for me. We have been back for a little over three years, three years that have completely changed my life. To the point that I sometimes feel that had I not come back, would things have been different? So many what ifs.

At that time, the song meant going to back my country, to make a difference. Now, all I really want is to have a different life..

A very random post..
Maybe just so you know I am not completely insane! :)

Wanting what you don't have: Thats why I searched the website for the 96.5 KOIT and have been listening to it since yesterday. It was my favorite radio channel when I was in the US. I was sick of the music collection that I have and radio mirchi is officially getting on my nerve. So, the live streaming music, the familiar tunes..the familar voices... feels umm..umm..good..Such a step away from the overly enthusiastic, hinglish, teenaged RJs..

An observation at the restaurant: Ever notice how as soon as the bill arrives at the table and the host opens the folder, everyone at the table, subtly tries to see what the amount is. They think they are being discreet, just that the stretching, peeping, sudden jerk of the neck.. Been guilty of that so many times... :)

At the same restaurant, as we were walking out, heard a 8-9 year old boy..in a very adamant tone .. "I am going to have sprite as soon as we go in". It was an announcement, not a request. I wonder if that was the end of an argument? or the beginning of one..

The end..

Did I know that the end was inevitable? yes.. Was I prepared after two years? No.. Is two years a good enough timeframe to prepare yourself mentally? No.. Does meeting people with bigger sorrows/tragedies make you feel better? No..

There is a voice inside me that is screaming loudly.. I feel like crying continuously might make me feel better, but I don't. There is only so much that you can cry? Why can't we have a switch to forget people/memories? You can't run away from memories.. or places. Visting those places makes me feel like I am closer to her.. yet.. just want to scream so loudly.. Just want to grieve till I can't grieve any more..if thats possible..

I had a long conversation with my mama, I asked him if he believed in rebirth.. he said, how does it matter? Even if a person comes back as your child, you will love the baby a lot.. if not, you will still love the baby a lot.. So, stop searching, because there is no end to hope..

The only absolute is your own death..

When we don't meet eyes..

Two people ..two huge tragedies, One person has lost her past..Other has lost his future..
We met after almost two weeks, not expecting to see each other, there was a look, a look that questioned, a look that sympathized, a look that was diverted because we were both at a loss of words.. how do you comfort someone when you are heartbroken?? How do you cry with someone when you aren't done crying for yourself...

An update..
I did not update much for the entire last year for a reason. It is a personal reason that I do not feel like sharing. Now I am updating, because I think this is the best place to say what I want to say.
I am angry, I am lost, I am depressed and I am going crazy trying to remain sane. This blog was a facade for the real person. I had to avoid saying things, for the fear of being read. Now, I can just say that I am not happy. There are times when you just want to talk to someone and yet, don't know what and who.. This is that kind of a time. If I don't make sense, I don't care.

Here are a few things screaming very silently in my head..
ITS NOT FAIR
WHY ME?
EVERY DOG HAS ITS DAY
ONLY THE WEARER KNOWS WHERE THE SHOE PINCHES

And some questions:
Is death an absolute?
Is there a place called heaven?
Is re-birth a myth?
Will we ever meet again?
What could I have done better?
Will God forgive me?
Am I going crazy ??

You know, as a teenager, all songs carry meaning, even the silliest song suddenly seems profoundly meaningful. Then as you grow up, you are ashamed to admit how you were crazy enough cry when you heard some sentimental song. So you start thinking how this is all stupid.

And then you realize that songs like this can have a different level of meaning..

One More Day

Last night I had a crazy dream

A wish was granted just for me

It could be for anything

I didn't ask for money

Or a mansion in Malibu

I simply wished, for one more day with you


One more day

One more time

One more sunset, maybe I'd be satisfied

But then again

I know what it would do

Leave me wishing still, for one more day with you


First thing I'd do, is pray for time to crawl

Then I'd unplug the telephone

And keep the TV off

I'd hold you every second

Say a million I love you's

That's what I'd do, with one more day with you

Leave me wishing still, for one more day

Leave me wishing still, for one more day

If you want to listen to this song, here it is:
http://www.ladaisey.com/onemore.html